Game Show - Things I think about in the shower #10

My idea for an American game show : “RANK! THAT! GUILT!”

BOB THE HOST: Hello everyone! Welcome to “Rank that Guilt!” Let’s meet our contestants. He’s a 27-year-old software consultant from Chicago, meet Scout Patel-Khan-Williams!

SCOUT: Glad to be here, Bob!

BOB: And she’s a 27-year-old blogger from Manhattan, meet Opal Lee-Marin-Smith!

OPAL: Glad to be here, Bob!

BOB: Last we have a 27-year-old graphic designer from San Francisco, meet Casey Zhang-Kowalski-Johnson!

CASEY: Whatever.

BOB: Okay contestants. First question. Which one of the following should make you feel guilty and why? 1. Driving your Dodge Durango to work three blocks away, 2. eating take-out every single day for lunch when you could have just made yourself something, or 3. still living with your parents when you are 27?

<silence>

BOB: No one? How about you, Scout?

SCOUT: I mean, I don’t drive to work. I work from home. Well, my parent's’ home.

OPAL and CASEY: Me too!

SCOUT: And I’m a vegan

OPAL and CASEY: Me too!

OPAL: <buzz> It’s the food thing because eating makes you produce greenhouse gases.

BOB: That is incorrect!

CASEY: <buzz> Cheeseburgers because cattle production has such a big carbon footprint.

BOB: Incorrect!

SCOUT: <buzz> Driving because cars cause climate change.

BOB: You are all wrong. The answer is “living with your parents” should make you feel the most guilty because the first two have little to nothing to do with you.

OPAL: Hey, Manhattan is expensive!

BOB: Next question: Which should make you feel the most guilty: 1: The systematic destruction of Native American culture by settlers in the 1700s, 2: being born into a family that could afford to give you a decent childhood education, or 3: choosing to live in a ridiculously expensive city when you clearly work from your parents’ house and could literally live in a swamp as long as it had internet service?

OPAL: <buzz> The Native American one because genocide?

BOB: Well, the destruction of indigenous peoples is horrific, but you weren’t around for that one, so that is incorrect.

SCOUT: <buzz> Having elitist parents that spent money on private elementary school because they should have used that money for charity or fostering another kid?

BOB: No, I’m sorry. Once again, that was totally out of your control and therefore does not warrant guilt on your part. Casey?

CASEY: I’m sorry I was looking at my phone, what?

BOB: Alrighty then. The answer was 3. Choosing to live in a ridiculously expensive city when you clearly work from home and could literally live in a swamp as long as it had internet service.

SCOUT: But my parents live in the Chicago Gold Coast and the shopping is amazing!

BOB: Ah. So your parents came from a long line of financially independent millionaires?

SCOUT: No, they were first generation immigrants whose families started their own small businesses and worked hundred hour weeks and eventually became successful and invested their money well.

OPAL and CASEY: Me too!

BOB: …aaaaaaand we come to our final round. Everyone grab those pens. Which of the following should make you personally feel the most guilty about and why? 1: Realizing you used to be an idiot. 2: Spending money you earn on yourself. 3: Not voting.

<30 seconds of music>

BOB: Alright let’s see what you wrote. Opal?

SCOUT: Spending money on myself. I should send all my money to charity.

BOB: That is incorrect. Sending a percentage of your earnings to charity is a great idea, but you deserve to enjoy the money you earn. Maybe spend that money on an apartment for yourself! Or take an online course in investing! Opal, what did you write?

OPAL: About how I used to be an idiot and did a lot of stupid things when I was young.

BOB: Incorrect again. The question was about being an idiot, not about past actions.

OPAL: Now I feel guilty for never listening carefully.

BOB: That’s because like everyone else, you are still an idiot. What did you write, Casey?

CASEY: I wrote I feel guilty for existing.

BOB: I see. Well, I’m sorry you’ve all gotten it wrong. The answer was “Not voting”

[ALL CONTESTANTS grumble.]

BOB: That’s all the time we have for today. Remember to find some roommates so you can leave your parents alone so they can have some peace and quiet and get in a little sex before they die. Stay tuned for “People dress up in Sports Mascot outfits and you guess who they are by their extremely generic singing!”

[BOB waves at the camera]

So… there you go. Now get off my lawn!

Norwegian phrase of the day:

Gretten gammel dame = Grumpy old lady

Now get off my lawn!